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Sunday, January 15, 2012

So Tired of the Poo Water

Last week, we had a plumber come out and relieve us of the poo water that had flooded our basement for a good week. I take that back. A BAD week. It cost us "only $245, because we went ahead and took that trip fee off for you!".

This week, we had to have the SAME plumber come out and snake our main drain AGAIN, because we got the poo water back. And this time, there were turds. Rainbows of turds.

The last time, we were just treated to brown smelly water, with a bit of toilet paper mixed in. Nothing we couldn't handle.

This time, we watching in horror as tiny turds would come bobbing out of the drain. It looked like they were hooked to fishing poles, and we were fishing for the worst goddamn fish in the world.

The sludge was awful. Black, slimy, and just stinky. The water was thick. The smell? Well, you could see steam rising off of the water the whole time it was down there. So now, we're all walking around with radical amounts of fecal matter in our lungs, I'm sure of it. I could handle my mother in law's super strong old lady perfume way better than I could handle this.

When the kids were younger, and she would watch them, even for just an hour, after they got home, you could smell her perfume in their clothes, their hair and their skin. And I would have to instantly toss them in the bath.

Yeah. I toss my kids in the bath. Makes it fun, and also helps me perfect my aim.

She always wondered why they were whiney and would complain of headaches. Hmmm...

I'm not even quite sure WHY I'm posting this right now. I am so exhausted, my eyes are SO tired, I can hardly see what I'm typing. I've got the double vision, and not even the cool Foreigner type of double vision.

No, YOU are as Cold as Ice.

I got off work tonight, to find out that my husband let my two chuds take late naps. Late naps as in, 7 till 9pm. So who's wide awake right now? Two kids that should have been in bed hours ago. Who wants to go to bed REAL bad? THIS girl. Who is passed out on the couch without a care in the world??

Chuck is just asking for a punch in the head right now. Would that be considered a hate crime, since he's asian? Probably not. I'm married to him, so I think I'm safe there, and there's no race card.

Which reminds me. I would KILL for a good pint of pork fried rice. Dude. I have GOT to find myself a good chinese restaurant in this town.

Because so help me, if I buy another pint of pork fried rice, I take it home, and that shit has scrambled eggs in it, so help me, SO help me, I will punch Chuck again. Because someone's gotta take it for the poor chinese guy who made it.

Poor Chuck. The ambassador for "Punch in the Head for all Chinese People Who Put Scrambled Eggs In My Damn Fried Rice".

The end. Are you even still reading? This is terrible.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Getting Accepted, Getting Poopy, and Raising Hell(ions)

It's been a week. It's been one HELL of a week. Let me start by saying that 2012 started off by raping me hardcore, and I ended up not only beating it in it's sweet, yearly ass, but I totally OWNED that shit.

First off, we started with a whole family full of snot filled sickwads. It was beautiful, if you find rivers of green mucus as such.

One of my chilluns gets SO bad, I take her to the ER. Strep throat! The doctor tells me. "See that strawberry tongue?? Get her on antibiotics!"

I can guarantee you that this is exactly what the doctor saw. Like I said, I raise some hardcore chilluns.


So we get that out of the way. My Chloe, my poor Chlo, who hardly ever gets sick, EVER, gets the strep throat. We get antibiotics, and the next day, she goes from shivering and sleeping for two days with a ridiculous fever, to super happy fun time girl. Back to her old self.

Not even a week later, we get a ton of snow dropped on top of us here in good ole' Ohio. Granted, it was about time, seeing as we've hardly had any (or NONE at all, I should say) since winter started, but it was nice to see it. Well. Chuck goes downstairs to smoke his cigarette, and I hear cursing. "Poop in the basement! Poop water in the basement!", except replace poop with "shit", and add a few more creative sounding words in front of "basement", and "poop water".


 No, not THAT kind of poo water. I WISH my poo water was this cuddly.

THIS kind of poo water. Not so lovable, is it?



We had overflow. Not cash overflow, although that would have been hella awesome. Nope. We had poop overflow.

Ok. We didn't see any turds in the water. We got real lucky, and a turd never surfaced. But we saw toilet paper. We saw.... brown water. It smelled bad. Chuck was bailing buckets of water, about eight 5 gallon buckets a day, until we got a plumber out.

Before THAT happened though?

 Three nights ago, Chuck went down to bail some water. Little did he know, the kids followed him down. (sneaky little shits, just like their mother.) Next thing he hears is a crash, and a blood curdling scream. I heard it from upstairs, dropped everything, and took off downstairs. Chuck's freaking out, I'm freaking out, Chlo's freaking out and covered in blood and poo water, and Ness is all "guys! I want to watch teedee down here! LISTEN TO ME!!!".

At first, it looks like a little scrape. I take her upstairs, give her a wet rag, and tell her to hold it on her booboo until I can get her out of those yucky clothes. As I'm getting her cleaned up, I tell her to let me see her booboo, and when she takes the rag off? Well, if I were Chuck, I would have passed out. She's lucky it was me. It was bad. I saw meat. I knew we had to go to the ER again. AGAIN. Twice in less than a week. These people probably think... I don't know WHAT they think.

So I drive her to the ER. Chuck has to call off work, because the basement is quickly filling up with water, faster than he can bail, and we just don't have a choice.

I almost cried in that waiting room with Chlo. I felt SO bad that this had happened to her. I was wracking my brain, thinking of ways that I could have avoided this from happening, when I realized that I just couldn't. I was busy, Chuck was busy, and the kids just followed him downstairs, as they always have. They didn't know the floor was wet in our tv room (and it hadn't been, until that very night), and in the dark, she took off running, and boom. Slid right in the water.

I know I can't watch my kids all of the time. Of course not. Things happen that are out of our control. Damnit, though. I LIKE to be in control of these kinds of situations. I got to hold her hands when she got her stitches, and I felt horrible when she cried, as they stuck the needles for the anesthesia in her chin. It looked like it HURT. She took it so well, even the doctor and the nurse were impressed. That made me SO proud of her. She was a total champ. I brought her and her numb chin home, and we were all happy again.

We got a plumber. He snaked our main drain, and pulled out tree roots. That's not a good sign.

But that's for another day.

So this week, Chlo survived two bad situations, and proved that she is a true badass, just like her mother. I got accepted to Kent State University's radiology program, and I couldn't be happier. My house is now clean and poo free, for the time being. I ate some cake. My kids are FINALLY in bed.

So I guess we're good. I'm in the clear, for now.

Also. I have had this damn song stuck in my head for days!




Monday, January 2, 2012

My Failures as a Mother are not!

Well. Here we are. The second day of 2012. So far, so good. Of course, we're only two days in. ANYTHING could happen at this point.

They say the world will end this year. If so, I guess I'm happy to say I completed most of what I wanted to do in my life. Own a house, go back to school (kinda), and have two potty trained kids.

What WHAT?

Yeah. I said it. TWO potty trained kids. One week, Ness is kicking and screaming on the toilet seat, because he's "too scared"! The next week, we take away his Nintendo DS, his Mario Kart AND his cartoons, and tell him "no more of anything until YOU use the potty".

One hour later? That kid peed in the damn toilet. I was taking a nap. He did it for the Chunk. It's a miracle! And since then, not one accident, he's been dry through every night, and it's been hella awesome.

As of right now, while I type this, he's sitting on the floor of the living room, playing his Mario Kart, and living the dream. I am prepping myself to finish off putting away christmas stuff, getting this house cleaned up, and finally finishing the load of whites clothes. I guess I'm racist, I saved the whites for last. :/

Wash ALL the clothes! Not just coloreds.

So here I am. I've decided that it's about time I start getting back in shape. I know, EVERYONE says that at the beginning of a new year, but there are times when I look back and think "whoa, I used to look like this" :



And somehow, I ended up like this??


I look like I'm ready to eat the whole damn buffet.

Ok. I realize I'm only 30 pounds overweight. Yeah, I said ONLY. There are a lot more people and friends who are more, and they probably look at this and laugh. "Girl, you SO skinny!"

No no no no.

See, I feel horrible. Not so much self esteem-wise, although it doesn't help it at all. I feel horrible, health wise. My stomach bothers me, my heartburn is at an all time high, and I just feel sluggish and miserable every day. I tried ViSalus last year, and lost 15 lbs in a month. I wasn't even working out, or I probably would have lost a ton more. So I've decided to hit the ViSalus train again, and work out along with it. I've been doing a bit of working out here and there, but nothing too serious. I need to take that shit seriously again.
I'll tell you what else helps.
That helped me out a ton, and it's free! Someone jump on this bandwagon with me? Let's lose some weight together! Or something.

So now, before I head downstairs to drag up the boxes marked xmas, I will eat a big ole' salad, full of healthy ... things, and then I will work my ass off all day.

But before then? I'm... gonna sit and relax just a little more. This is the first day since winter break has started, that the kids haven't been sick, and I haven't had to wait on them every single second. I am completely worn out. Snot has become me.

I promise I'll write sooner. The holidays and sick kids kept me uber busy.